Favorite Cancer Book

I was hanging out at home on Friday, October 13^th and had the TV on in the background when 20/20 came on. They did a story about a movie that would be appearing on the Lifetime network the following week. It was based on the book Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy by Geralyn Lucas. I stopped what I was doing and watched the interview. I was blown away by Geralyn’s gutsy nature and attitude towards her journey and felt and immediate kinship with her.

I picked up the book during a shopping trip with a friend that weekend. I immediately began reading it and I loved it. I have read a lot of books about cancer. I have read stories of those that have won the battle and those that have not. I have always found pieces of each and every story that I have related to, but there was something raw and honest about the way that Geralyn told her story that is like nothing else I have ever read in a cancer memoir.

There are some similarities about our stories (we both underwent surgery and chemo in our 20’s, we are both the oldest child with two younger brothers) but also some obvious differences (she had breast cancer, I did not). Yet I felt at times that she had found a way to articulate many of the fears and feelings that she had in a natural, profound and elegant way; that I have never been able to.

She had encounters with not so sensitive doctors, as did I. She shared her diagnosis with complete strangers only to have them share something totally profound and meaningful, as did I. She second guessed her decisions about treatment, as did I. She was scared, as was I. I found the following passage to be one of the most profound in the entire book.

When the technician asked me if I was claustrophobic right before he put me into the huge machine, it made me think about all the things that I’m really scared of now that I have cancer. He dimmed the lights and I considered telling him that I am actually scared of the dark or pretending I’m claustrophobic so I could get our of this thing. Because I am terrified I can’t handle more bad news. I’m scare of dying before I turn thirty.

The lab technician looked so serious that he was making me even more scared. Why couldn’t he just smile--would it kill him?

When the machine started to rumble I was embarrassed to remember the things that used to scare me:

Cockroaches.

Wearing no makeup and running into an old boyfriend who broke my heart.

Algebra.

Having to ride from the lobby up to the tenth floor alone with Barbara Walters at work-how do I make conversation for ten straight floors?

Having to tell my doorman that I forgot my key to my apartment again and could I borrow the secret key just one more time?

The dark (I always sleep with a nightlight on).

Now I am just scared that my cancer has spread.

I am scared they will tell me they can’t cure me and that I only have months to live.

I am scared they will discover that the pain in my neck is actually a huge tumor and not a pulled muscle from trying to look cool at the gym.

I am scared that people at work are just being nice because they think I might die.

I am scared my husband secretly thinks he married damaged goods.

I am scared not enough people will come to my funeral. I am scared that I did not amount to enough. I am scared that I will not have an obituary. Scared that my student loans will not even be paid off when I die (I check the fine print and felt a little better knowing that they can’t make you pay if you’ve died). I am scared that my younger brother Howard will not be able handle his sister dying on him. I’m his big sister and I’m supposed to protect him. I am scared I have let so many people down by getting cancer. It is so strange to have cancer at twenty-seven. I’m not a kid with cancer--that’s super tragic. But I am still young enough that it is quasi-kid tragic. I feel like such a baby having my parents there with me at my doctor appointments. I need my mommy and daddy now. I was never scared of monsters when I was little. I am so scared of cancer now.

I am scared to go to sleep because I think I won’t wake up. I will just close my eyes and I won’t even know that I died. Is that how people die? Will I know that I died? I am scared on rainy and cold nights that I will be lonely when I die, I will miss everyone. I am scared that I won’t be missed.

I am scared that my cancer is incurable. That it is aggressive-- I mean, how could I ever have a passive cancer? No way. Just ask my Dad. I am scared sometimes when it is quiet that the cancer is starting to grown again. That it is swishing around my body as my heart is beating.

I am scared that I will never be the same.

If you are looking for a very-real yet positive story of someone facing cancer, I recommend this book. I didn’t want to watch the movie until I had finished the book, so I have seen it yet, but I have talked to several friends who have seen it and thought it was good. Also you can check out Geralyn's website at: http://www.whyiworelipstick.com/